And I'm over it!

I literally just yelled at Kal to leave me alone for a little bit.  Not 5 minutes later, he comes running in saying there is a big spider in his room and he needs me.  I grab a shoe just in time to see the spider go back in a corner, so I'm moving everything out of the way and ask Kal to move back.  He says "I'll help Momma.  Nah-nah-hah-boo-boo Spider!  See it's coming to me!"  And suddenly, I'm over need my space from Kal!

trying to keep up with myself....it's harder than you think

The last few weeks of June flew by and before I knew it we were in July!  How did that happen?!?  I've been thinking alot lately which we all know is a bad, bad thing for me to do.  But let's recap first.
Sammy had a wonderful time at Cub Scout Day Camp.  He got a bulls-eye on the BB Range one day.  He loved archery and he had a great time with his friends.  He got a little sick, we were a little worried but it all worked out and you can read it on my earlier posts.  Overall it went great except for the fact that I didn't go....not one day....not as a chaperone at all.   Kurtis went in my place, I had a great plan in place so even if I wasn't there, there were adults in charge who could follow my plan.  BUT I felt so bad for not going.  I felt like I let Sam down, like I let the Cubs down, like I let myself down.  The truth was I couldn't go.  I had several anxiety attacks in the early hours of Monday morning and it was 5am when I had my first I.B.S attack.  Irritable Bowel Syndrome is kinda like ADHD nowadays.  It gets way over-diagnosed and most people have no idea what the symptoms are....or how bad they can be.  Try immobilizing abdominal cramps, severe diarrhea or constipation, massive migraines, and humiliating sounds/odors/and other unpleasant bodily functions.  Add to the IBS symptoms, the panic attacks that are caused from anxiety of being somewhere public when the IBS attack hits, yeah those are shortness of breathe, fainting, vomitting, and sometimes your body refuses to move when you want to.  Long story short, ain't none of it pretty and ain't no way I want to experience any of it at a Day Camp where the nearest restrooms are port-a-johns and I'm surrounded by 8-10 year old boys.  That is why I didn't go to Day Camp.  That is why I failed my little guy by not being there.  And frankly, I feel horrible about it.  Sure some people tried to make me feel better.  Most tried to tell me to not let it get me down.  Kurtis gave me the best advice when he said "Honey, being a good Cubmaster doesn't mean you go to everything or even Day Camp; it means being organized enough that someone can fill your place if you CAN'T go."  There's a reason I married this guy....he just gets me.  Anyway, Sam had a good time and I'm trying not to let the guilt eat me up.  So let's move on to the next activities, shall we?
I managed to sew up two HUGE blankets for Isabel and Kalen and boy, were they hard.  I don't have a fancy sewing machine just a little one that Kurtis got me when we first married so it's not used to heavy duty stuff.  Both Kal's and Izzy's blankets covered our queen size bed.  Once sewn together, they fit a full size mattress....they are taking those blankets to college :)

I was lucky when a Raggedy Ann Collector got on Facebook and declared that she was GIVING away her entire collection to anyone who was willing to drive to her home.  I was the closest living one and had a free Sat!  My dad and I drove the van up to Wooster (about 2.5 hrs) to collect what she had. Some things were doubles of things I had, some were little things, and some things were AWESOME and stuff I would never dream of having.  I won't post pictures of everything but I got a very cool bench, a lamp, a few dolls, a full-sized bed set which has pillow shams, pillowcases, a dust ruffle, sheets, and reversible comforter, as well as books, a bracelet and other little things.  It was a great experience and a great example of the kind of people I've gotten to know through the Raggedy Ann Collectors.  These people are just as excited as I am about Raggedy Anns and they have such good hearts.  Hundreds of dollars (sometimes thousands) go into these collections and sometimes these folks just want to share them with others.  It's astounding to me.

For the 4th of July we did our first ever Fireworks.  In the past we've had a dog who was scared when we left him home during the fireworks or little kids who don't stay up late well or like loud sounds.  But this year we tried it.  We went to Kurtis' parents house for dinner with family and stayed to watch the fireworks. The kids liked it except for Zeke who fell asleep before they even started.  And to be honest, by the time we got home and everyone got to bed, we were all worn out the next day.  We did spend the 5th of July with my side of the family which was exciting for Sammy b/c he helped Pa make homemade ice cream for the crew.  He had "award winning ice cream" b/c he and Papaw won the dessert contest at the Blue and Gold Banquet this past Feb.  He's very proud of that fact.  Izzy even let me do her hair in a star pattern for the 4th which is huge b/c she never lets me do her hair.  Much fun was had by all but I'm glad we're back to normal sleep routines now!

Overall, this has all gotten me to thinking that I'm a mother of four.  A very frazzled, overwhelmed, sometimes disheveled mother of 4 lively, healthy, ornery kids who doesn't ever have all the time she needs to have to do the things she wants to do.  And there are often times I'm grumpy about it.  I'm grumpy that I don't have time to sew, to blog, to read, to write, to sing, to learn, to make music, to teach, to reach out to friends and loved ones, to spend time with each of my kids individually, to learn how to cook well, to make cookies for everyone, to do what needs to be done and what I want to do.  It's all A LOT!  And sometimes I get down on myself about it. The truth is the house is dirty.  I yell.  The kids fight.  My kids are NOT the smartest children in the world.  They do watch TV.  Sometimes dinner is frozen pizza.  Sometimes the laundry stays in the basket ALL WEEK.  And no I don't dust unless I have to....like when someone comes over and looks at the dust and then looks at me judgingly.  It is a lot of stuff, a lot of the time, and with a lot of guilt.  BUT I love my children.  I love my husband.  I love my God.  I love my home.  I love my life.  Why do I always insist on baring my soul for all to read....for posterity to look back and cringe at mom's brutal honesty.  B/c maybe someone else feels the same way and should know that they aren't alone.  Maybe I need someone to remind me that I'm not alone.  Maybe one day Izzy will be a mom of 4 and will feel the same way and will read this and know that she is not alone.  Maybe I'm just catching you up.  Maybe I'm oversharing.  Maybe I just need to feel like I have something to offer....little though it may be.  Either way, I'm entertaining!