I'm a pretty open person. I like to believe honesty is one of my better qualities. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. But the truth is that most of the time I'm pretty open and honest b/c I don't have the energy to hold it all together for appearances sake. I'd rather people see me and know "hey, she's a mess but she's trying" rather than try to look put together but still really looks a mess. With that being said, it's a double-edged sword. B/c I'm so open I think people feel they can say anything to me and I have to take it b/c I'm honest. If you can dish it out, you gotta be able to take it. And for the most part, I really try to take it well. Some of the things that are most often said to me are "you're so emotional", "you are neurotic", "you are so all over the place". To those things, I say "yes, I am". I feel things with about 150% of emotion all the time. I've also been called "passionate" which is way nicer than "emotional" or "neurotic" :) The point is that I know these things about myself. No one is telling me anything new when they say that I'm too emotional or frantic or that I get worked up. You think it bugs you? Try being me and not liking that part of myself. And knowing that even if I'm trying to be better, sometimes I'm just not good at it. So, what's the point of this.
Well, today I'm having a "stuck in my head" kind of day. I'm overwhelmed that Sam is struggling with friends at school, that Kal is having to see a counselor, that my kids had to switch schools at all, that I hurt my foot while taking the dog to pee! I'm angry with myself for not being able to fix all the little things my kids are going through. I'm angry with myself for getting hurt over something stupid. I'm angry with myself that I'm not the same girl I was 11 years ago when my husband met me. I was WAY more physically fit, more emotionally together, WAY more independent and a super tough broad! I was "with it". Now I have these 4 beautiful, stubborn, beloved children and I'm just trying to keep everyone fed, clothed, and somewhat mentally sound! That's a tough order! And some days getting dressed is optional! That. is. life.
So, today, when I'm frustrated and overwhelmed and overthinking things and wanting to be so much more than I am, I have to get it out. I have to remind myself that everything else in this world is bonus. My Kurtis, my kids, my life, my God and my belief, these things are the things that make my life worth living. Everything else is bonus. Books, raggedies, music, friends, sewing, money, facebook, clothes are all bonus. Nothing is guaranteed. You just live and try to enjoy the good, endure the bad, and walk away from the ugly.
I want to look back at my life and be like "hey girl, you were a hoot to watch fumbling around trying to be so much. but your heart was in it for good or bad." My heart is in it. If I'm so emotional or so frantic, it's b/c I care SO much. My heart is SO in it. I feel it SO much b/c that's how I feel everything--SO much! It may be one of my worst qualities and at the same time, one of my best.
