In the last week, I've found out 5 people I know are pregnant. And I've these insane moments where I'm sad that I'm not pregnant.
I was out "pooper scooping" the front yard tonight and thought "this is total suckage that I have to be the one to scoop the poop".
Last night I had someone had church who hardly knows me tell me that I'm neurotic and I need to calm down about things. He only sees me on Sundays and knows little about the struggles that I go through with anxiety and panic attacks. But it hurt my feelings.
I've been really frustrated with "mommy monotony" and feeling little appreciation for everything I do for my family.
So, why am I starting out my post so negative? B/c I'm about to count my blessings!
This week I've also heard about a friend who son passed away, a friend who was hospitalized, a dear friend who is awaiting surgery and is in extreme pain. And I realized:
1. I am healthy...for the most part. Yes, I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, IBS. But I'm healthy. I manage my illnesses. I learn to cope and I haven't been hospitalized except for "baby births" in my adult life.
2. My babies are healthy. Healthy enough to drive me crazy with their demands, their needs, and all the requirements to bring out the "mommy monotony".
3. I am insane for wanting a puppy with 4 young children. But this is a great experience for my family. None of us have pet allergies. My kids get to experience something (good and bad) that other kids beg for, pray for, and never get to have.
4. I am not having any more babies. But I made it through FOUR c-sections. I made it through 4 pregnancies. And I have 4 kids counting on me every day. That in itself is a miracle.
5. God loves me. He knows all the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, whiney, and thankful parts of me. He sees me as someone who has great value. Sadly, that is something that I do not always consider. I get lost in the motions, in the things people say, in the ways I feel about myself when I look in the mirror. My Father in Heaven loves me when I can't love myself and when others can't see it either. That's all that matters!
6. and lastly, I have an amazing husband who DRIVES. ME. NUTS! Kurtis often irritates me (and vice versa) and when it is all crazy, we both have to take a breath and say "I love you". But the truth is (as I was pondering this evening) he's mine and I'm his and really, I don't know how I could survive if it wasn't the way of life!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
stAGE of life
Often when I talk about my age, I get scoffs (usually from people who are older than me) and the truth is age is JUST a number however, stAGE of life is real. I cannot eat what I want like I did when I was 22. I can no longer spend the day on 4 hrs of sleep nor have a breakfast of a Snickers bar and a 20oz Pepsi! When I was in college, the idea of changing diapers and catching vomit in my hands was just a nightmare....today it's a reality! Do you know how many times a day I handle poop....with my hands....
It's real people! My stage of life is different now than it was when I was 22, even though 22 and 35 are just numbers! They are numbers that determine what I eat, when I sleep, how good I will feel in the morning and so on. So why is this on my mind? Is it because I had a birthday recently? Is it because we just got a puppy and I find myself now a mother of 5 (one being a furry baby)? Is it because I'm tired of feeling sluggish and sad and thought that I might need to eat healthier? Is it because I walked saddle-sore for a weekend after teaching a toddler music class? Yes, yes, yes, and yes! All of these things have me thinking that age is more than a number.
I'm supposed to be more mature now, more selfless, more responsible, and more grounded at 35 years old than I was at 25 years old. And the truth is....to some extent.....I probably am! But I'm not always happy about it! Why can't I have a snickers for breakfast, a hamburger for lunch, and a milkshake for dinner and call it good? Oh that's right, because my number is 35 now instead of 25 and 35 year olds have to eat healthier! That sucks!
So yes, this is on my mind a lot. Last week I taught a group of teenagers during Sunday School. In the lesson I challenged them to follow a commandment that they had a particularly hard time following. For me, I admitted that I have a hard time following counsel to eat healthy for "our bodies are temples" (you get the idea). I told the kids I would go a whole week without eating a burger or greasy food and I did it! Sure thing! I won't say that I felt better but I did it. On Monday, I went out and got me a cheeseburger! Oh yeah, then I spent most of Monday afternoon sick as a dog! Really? Are you kidding me? This is whole eat healthier, take better care of yourself stuff is real? I find myself looking into multivitamins! Are you kidding me?!? Ugh! It's true; we have to take better care of ourselves as we get older and I'm not happy about it. So yes, 35 years old is not old BUT it's older than I once was! And while I'm super blessed and have some GREAT things/people that I didn't have at 25, I really would be just a teensy bit happier if cheeseburgers were healthy for you!
It's real people! My stage of life is different now than it was when I was 22, even though 22 and 35 are just numbers! They are numbers that determine what I eat, when I sleep, how good I will feel in the morning and so on. So why is this on my mind? Is it because I had a birthday recently? Is it because we just got a puppy and I find myself now a mother of 5 (one being a furry baby)? Is it because I'm tired of feeling sluggish and sad and thought that I might need to eat healthier? Is it because I walked saddle-sore for a weekend after teaching a toddler music class? Yes, yes, yes, and yes! All of these things have me thinking that age is more than a number.
I'm supposed to be more mature now, more selfless, more responsible, and more grounded at 35 years old than I was at 25 years old. And the truth is....to some extent.....I probably am! But I'm not always happy about it! Why can't I have a snickers for breakfast, a hamburger for lunch, and a milkshake for dinner and call it good? Oh that's right, because my number is 35 now instead of 25 and 35 year olds have to eat healthier! That sucks!
So yes, this is on my mind a lot. Last week I taught a group of teenagers during Sunday School. In the lesson I challenged them to follow a commandment that they had a particularly hard time following. For me, I admitted that I have a hard time following counsel to eat healthy for "our bodies are temples" (you get the idea). I told the kids I would go a whole week without eating a burger or greasy food and I did it! Sure thing! I won't say that I felt better but I did it. On Monday, I went out and got me a cheeseburger! Oh yeah, then I spent most of Monday afternoon sick as a dog! Really? Are you kidding me? This is whole eat healthier, take better care of yourself stuff is real? I find myself looking into multivitamins! Are you kidding me?!? Ugh! It's true; we have to take better care of ourselves as we get older and I'm not happy about it. So yes, 35 years old is not old BUT it's older than I once was! And while I'm super blessed and have some GREAT things/people that I didn't have at 25, I really would be just a teensy bit happier if cheeseburgers were healthy for you!
Saturday, September 13, 2014
there's a special place in heaven for Uncle Joes
Growing up, our extended family argued on and off so I never grew up feeling particularly close to any uncles or aunts. I never really thought I missed it until I became an aunt and wanted to be so close to my nephews. Then once I became a mother, it was SO important to me for my kids to be close to my siblings. Kurtis has 5 siblings and there are 24 nieces and nephews. Unfortunately, many live in other states and there are so many but I try really hard to be a good aunt to them. I want them to feel love from me and from Uncle Kurtis. But it is also EXTREMELY important for my kids to feel love for and loved by my siblings. So on nights like tonight when my only brother and his wife come to visit, it hits home.
Tonight I watched Uncle Joe wrestle with my boys, snuggle with Zeke and Izzy, and I even heard him whisper "I love you" a few times. I also witnessed my bro, who had 3 sisters, braid Izzy's hair. She's the only girl with 3 brothers and 2 boy cousins and Uncle Joe took the time to brush her hair, braid it, and give her special attention. It touches my heart so deeply. It means the world to me and I know that my kids will treasure evenings like this evening. Yes, brothers can be a lot! But it's mostly a lot of good!
Tonight I watched Uncle Joe wrestle with my boys, snuggle with Zeke and Izzy, and I even heard him whisper "I love you" a few times. I also witnessed my bro, who had 3 sisters, braid Izzy's hair. She's the only girl with 3 brothers and 2 boy cousins and Uncle Joe took the time to brush her hair, braid it, and give her special attention. It touches my heart so deeply. It means the world to me and I know that my kids will treasure evenings like this evening. Yes, brothers can be a lot! But it's mostly a lot of good!
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