In the last week, I've found out 5 people I know are pregnant. And I've these insane moments where I'm sad that I'm not pregnant.
I was out "pooper scooping" the front yard tonight and thought "this is total suckage that I have to be the one to scoop the poop".
Last night I had someone had church who hardly knows me tell me that I'm neurotic and I need to calm down about things. He only sees me on Sundays and knows little about the struggles that I go through with anxiety and panic attacks. But it hurt my feelings.
I've been really frustrated with "mommy monotony" and feeling little appreciation for everything I do for my family.
So, why am I starting out my post so negative? B/c I'm about to count my blessings!
This week I've also heard about a friend who son passed away, a friend who was hospitalized, a dear friend who is awaiting surgery and is in extreme pain. And I realized:
1. I am healthy...for the most part. Yes, I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, IBS. But I'm healthy. I manage my illnesses. I learn to cope and I haven't been hospitalized except for "baby births" in my adult life.
2. My babies are healthy. Healthy enough to drive me crazy with their demands, their needs, and all the requirements to bring out the "mommy monotony".
3. I am insane for wanting a puppy with 4 young children. But this is a great experience for my family. None of us have pet allergies. My kids get to experience something (good and bad) that other kids beg for, pray for, and never get to have.
4. I am not having any more babies. But I made it through FOUR c-sections. I made it through 4 pregnancies. And I have 4 kids counting on me every day. That in itself is a miracle.
5. God loves me. He knows all the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, whiney, and thankful parts of me. He sees me as someone who has great value. Sadly, that is something that I do not always consider. I get lost in the motions, in the things people say, in the ways I feel about myself when I look in the mirror. My Father in Heaven loves me when I can't love myself and when others can't see it either. That's all that matters!
6. and lastly, I have an amazing husband who DRIVES. ME. NUTS! Kurtis often irritates me (and vice versa) and when it is all crazy, we both have to take a breath and say "I love you". But the truth is (as I was pondering this evening) he's mine and I'm his and really, I don't know how I could survive if it wasn't the way of life!
I so get this. With infertility issues, hearing that someone else is pregnant is always tough to hear, despite my genuine happiness for them. 4 kids is a lot - cut yourself some slack, girl! You are doing the best you can and there are going to be moments when you wonder what you've gotten yourself into - I sure have those moments - but you are doing better than you think. You are a great mom. (((HUGS)))
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