Today while waiting to see my doctor I realized that I left my book in the car so to pass the time, I read through my journal. I've used this journal for a long time and I record EVERYTHING during my pregnancies....everything. I record weight gain, blood pressure, questions for the doctor, the day after the birth I record everything I can remember about the delivery/surgery, names of drs and nurses I saw, who visited the baby, what gifts we're given, and you get the idea....everything! So this morning was fun for me as I read through my fears/impressions/dreams from when I was pregnant with Sam, Izzy, and Kalen. I laughed at how scared I was to have one child, then two children, and three? Ah, scary!!! And now number four is soon to arrive! But I think the funniest thing about it all is--it never changes! All I've ever wanted, every single time, is a healthy baby, to be a good mother, to be loved by my children as much as I love them. I want a safe world in which to raise them! I want to feel secure in our family, our finances, and in our love for one another.
In the last decade, esp. since I now feel like a "real adult" b/c I have little people for whom I responsible, I look at the world--constant changes in moral/ethical/political agendas. Elections that unleash fury and hatred (both before and after election day). Hurricane Katrinas, Superstorm Sandys, 9-11s/terrorist attacks, and the closing of Hostess, loss of jobs, failing housing markets, general upheaval and FEAR!!! Unbelievable fear caused by uncertainty! And my desires are still the same--safety, health, and stability for my children, my family, for those whom I love with all my being.
I will be having my son in 10 days and the world is a scary place currently. For the first time in nine years of marriage, Kurtis and I have two mortgages with no renter in sight for our old house. Money is tight, Christmas is coming, and babies are expensive. BUT Thanksgiving is three days away and I have a grateful heart. I have faith, not just in a Divine Being, a Heavenly Father, but in my husband, my kids, my family, myself and my world. There are good people in this world---many good people! I'm lucky to know many of them and I'm convinced there are far more out there than I will ever know. I look to Thanksgiving Day knowing that I'm thankful for my husband who, at the times when he sees me at my worst, still loves me as though I were at my best. I'm thankful for my children for even when they are driving me crazy, they are innocent enough to be truly genuine! I'm thankful for a religious faith--a chance to believe that there is Someone and something out there that is bigger than this mess we call life.
I used to have a quote on my dorm door that read "I live in my own world but it's okay b/c they know me here!" I still live in my own world and it's still okay.....I wouldn't want to live anywhere else!
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