Things I've Learned as a Mother of 4

1. When you have one child and they learn to say Mommy, it is the sweetest sound you could possibly hear.  By the time you have 4 kids, the word "mommy" has become the most obscene curse word you can imagine.  Listening to your 3yo toddler say "mommy" every 2 seconds for 20 minutes straight is like listening to an Ozzy Osbourne CD on repeat!  Your ears are bleeding and you feel like you might combust if you hear the word "mommy" one more time!

2. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is sacred anymore.  Everyone runs around the house half-dressed and ALL body parts are discussed at the dinner table, on the way to church, and sometimes in the grocery store as the check-out clerk rings up your purchases.  "Why do yours look like that Mommy?"   "Mamaw is very comfortable to sit on b/c she has pillows."  and so on!  They want to discuss everything at all times and in all places and it's totally innocent but so NOT appropriate!

3. Anyone can be bought!  Seriously, all you need is a juice box and a bag of goldfish crackers and you can get those little buggers to do anything you ask.  In fact, opening up a container of goldfish crackers is like throwing breadcrumbs at the ducks at the pond.  They hear the shake of the goldfish and they come runnin' like there is no tomorrow!

4. Your infant and God have some sort of unspoken communication that makes you the butt of a huge cosmic joke!  You have five minutes to go before you have to leave to get the kids from the bus stop and you consider yourself a success b/c you just managed to feed the baby in 10 minutes flat with 5 minutes to spare.  Then the baby decides to spit up half of the bottle onto himself and you.  No problem!  You quickly change t-shirts (b/c that's all you wear-tshirts and sweats) and go to change the baby.  Only to find that he has had an explosive diaper that reaches all the way up his back, between his shoulder blades, and clear into his hair line!  As you reach for the wet wipes, you realize you are out of them and now have to rush to wet a washcloth and hose him down while still rushing to make it to the bus stop on time.  Let's not forget that you will hit every red light between your house and the bus stop and the baby and the toddler will scream their heads off the entire way b/c that's just what they do!

5. Diet and exercise take on a whole new meaning. Suddenly Lucky Charms are a healthy breakfast alternative from the Snickers bar and Pepsi that you usually have.  And exercise?  Once my dr told me that to get good exercise, just park further away from the store and count the walk through the parking lot as a form of exercise.  Clearly she never attempted this with four kids!  It's like a twisted, real-life version of Frogger!   While I do consider carrying the baby in the infant carrier on one hip and the 3yo toddler on the other hip as heavy lifting, it's the 7yo and 5yo who are holding hands and walking DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU b/c you have threatened to take away Christmas if they so much as move to the side in the slightest--there in lies the challenge!  And by the time you make it into the store (thank heavens for automatic opening doors), your arms are shaking from the strain, your hair has fallen out of the ponytail (b/c these days it's always in a ponytail), and the diaper bag has slipped down your shoulder and is now hanging off of your elbow and hitting the 5yo in the back of the legs b/c she really did not move from directly in front of you!  Yeah, that's my workout for the day and I reward myself by having that Snickers and Pepsi that I skipped for breakfast!

6.  There is NOWHERE TO HIDE....ever!  They will find you!  No matter where you go, how quiet you are, or how sneaky you think you are being....they. will. find. you.  And Beware when they do.  I've had moments where I've tried to take refuge in the bathroom. It doesn't work...even if you lock the door, they find a way in...and when they're in, we begin conversations like above mentioned point #2.  "What are you doing in here Mommy?  Going potty?  Why?  Can I watch you?"  I repeat, nothing is sacred.  Try the closet or even the van in the garage and you'll run into the first point from above.  "Mommy?  Mom?  Momma?  Mommmmeeeeee?  Mommmmmeeeeee!  MOMMY!  MOMMMEEEE!"  Do not bother trying!  They will hunt you down....tell yourself it will make them great missionaries b/c they'll seek out people to teach!  Tell yourself anything you need to but do live in doubt.....you have nowhere to hide!

I'm sure there's more I've learned and frankly, I may add more later.  And some I won't add simply b/c they just aren't as funny as these are.  But that's the last thing I've learned as a mother of four:

7.  Sometimes you just have to laugh so that you don't cry!