a stay at home mom

While waiting to pick Kal up from preschool, I began a conversation with a woman who was there to pick up her great grandson.  She watches both her great-grandson and his little sister so her granddaughter can work.  She makes the comment to me that she was a stay-at-home mother but watched her granddaughter while her daughter worked and now watches the great-grandchildren while her granddaughter works.  She proceeds to say "It is just too hard to live on one salary these days.  The woman has to work to afford anything."  I'm not a shy person when it comes to this topic and I didn't want to  come off as a fanatic.  I certainly feel that each person should make their own decision on whether or not to work or stay at home.  My sister proclaims that she could never be a stay at home b/c she would go nuts.  I simply replied "My husband and I made the decision before we got married that I would stay at home if we had kids.  It was a choice that was made early on.  My husband even went into work and asked for a raise b/c I was pregnant and we knew I would not work anymore.  He was able to get a raise and it takes work.  You give up things, fun things but you learn your priorities and I love being with my kids."
Though the conversation wasn't a long one and though it wasn't an indepth thing, it has been in my mind all day.  Especially when I get in the mail, the credit card bill that includes new van tires, a new timing belt for the car, and the new battery for the van.  Let's not forget some of our Christmas gifts for the kids....oh, and two little boys' birthday presents for the end of November.  NO!  Being an one-salary family is NOT easy.  No!  It is NOT something that anybody and everybody does.  And YES!  there are times that I worry or we tighten our belts or we go without things.  We are not rich financially!  We are not financially set for life!  We do not take family vacations every year or even every other year.  BUT we are rich!  We are blessed!  We are healthy!  We are family!  We are a couple that made a decision that was not easy then and is not easy now.  We stick by our standards, our faith, our hope, and our family.  So yes, I've thought alot about this today.  Yes, I'm a stay at home mom.  And NO!  I wouldn't have it any other way!

Sam and Mom chat of the heart

Conversation in the car on the way home from Scouts:
Mom: "Sam, name your five best friends in your class."
(After Sam names a boy in his class) Mom: "I like him too!"
Sam: "Do you like him? Like like him? Or like kiss him?"
Mom:"What?! No, I like him; he's nice."
(After Sam names a girl in his class) Mom: "Do you like her? Like like her? or Like kiss her?"
Sam: "No!! Just like like."
Mom: "Like like she's pretty?"
Sam: "No! Just like; she's nice and shares paper and pencils with me."
I was so confused!

time to write out some thoughts

So I can't believe that I haven't written in almost three weeks!  I totally skipped Halloween which is probably bad of me.  And well, I just haven't sat down to share some craziness in the Eber household but today found me pondering a many different things and I figured I'd better get it all out.
First off, no more babies!  Kalen is turning a big 4 in two weeks and two days after that, my little Zeke monster will be a whopping
O-N-E!  I have a LOT of thoughts about this!  This morning I was talking to another mom at preschool.  She just had a baby six weeks ago.  While at her postpartum appt yesterday the doctor asked her if she was sad that she had had her tubes tied.  She said no but she was sad that she just wasn't "fertile" anymore.  We laughed about it but she managed to help me say something that I couldn't properly express before.  I am not sad that my babies are growing up.  I am not sad to not be pregnant anymore.  I'm certainly not sad at the idea of having another child would equal five kids!  I feel old.  I feel old b/c I'm not a "new mom" anymore.  I feel old b/c I'm not going to have little ones anymore.  I went from being a "young mom in her 20s" to be a "veteran mom of four".  I feel old b/c it isn't going to be a "little family" anymore.  I'm old.  I know it sounds silly to some but I think it also makes total sense to most. 
Secondly, while working a sewing project this morning, I was contemplating what it will be like when all four kids are in school.  People ask me "will you go back to teaching?"  "is there something you want to do?"  Honestly, I don't want to go back to work.  I want to volunteer at every book fair, classroom party, field trip, Special student lunch!  I want my kids to see me at their school functions, participating and interacting with them, their classmates, their teachers and anyone else who needs me.  I want to BE in my kids lives...not just at their breakfasts and bedtimes.  I'm not putting anyone down but that is what I want to be; what I want to achieve, and what I know will make me feel successful at the end of each day.  That's what I want to do when all my kids are in school...I want to be in their lives...dogging their every step!
Lastly, as I was sewing today, I was so excited to be able to sew.  I'm not good at it.  I can do blankets and square things but I like creating!  I like looking back at plain fabric and seeing something beautiful that I made.  When my kids are all in school and I'm not volunteering, I want to be sewing.  I want to make Raggedy Anns for the world's little girls.  I want to take nothing much and make it into something good (maybe even great).  I love making music.  Creating sound that touches the soul.  I love reading.  Using my imagination to create a world that fascinates me.  I just like creating!  It brings me such a joy.
I guess I'm not a very complicated person.  I'm pretty predictable.  I'm fairly simple in the joys of my life.  Maybe that makes me boring.  I hope not but if I'm boring, I'm okay with it.  As long as my kids are happy, my husband is happy.  As long as I'm happy....yeah, I'd be okay with being simple and boring :)

"this one's for the children"

So lately, life in the Eber household has been a litte strenuous!  We're working really hard to help Sam adjust to his counselor and work through his emotional meltdowns and Kurtis and I are feeling the strain.  I think Kurtis is struggling with this problem that he can't fix.  Men are "problem solvers" and having a problem that he can't just "solve" is difficult for him.  My struggle comes from the fact that Sam is alot like me.  Most of these issues: the being over sensitive, being a perfectionist, worrying, and caring so much about doing well all are traits that I possess too.  I was blaming myself b/c "he gets these traits from me so it must be my fault".  But in a conversation with a good friend of mine and also the Bishop of our church, Jeremy said that these common traits that Sam and I share were traits of our spirits before we came to earth.  In our faith, we believe we had a premortal existence...one that included our personalities before we received our earthly bodies.  So Sam and I were "kindred spirits" sharing similar personalities.  Maybe my Heavenly Father sent Sam to me so that I could use our similar traits to help him through his struggles.  Instead of being the cause of his strong personality, I'm meant to be a help through his struggles.  I've been entrusted to help him when he doesn't know how to work through his emotions.  Some people would say "well duh!"  But for me this came as a profound insight!  Something that I hadn't even considered.  I just assumed all his faults and struggles as my own and felt not only as a failure myself but as failing my son as well.  What a deep effect this has on me....to realize that even though I'm not sure how I'm meant to help him through this, I CAN help him through this and I WILL help him through this.  And maybe we'll have a stronger connection as mother and son because of it.
With that being said, I always talk about how strong-willed Isabel is but the other day I had a brief moment of pure gratitude toward my little girl.  Isabel is only six years old; she is the only girl in a house full of brothers; she is a girl who knows her worth.  Kurtis had been at work all day, had taken Sam to an evening dr appt and then went to scouts with Sam.  I had hurried everyone through homework and dinner and was sitting next Zeke while he took FOREVER to eat his dinner.  I desperately wanted a few minutes to myself and to be honest, I needed to use the bathroom.  I asked Izzy to sit next to Zeke's highchair and just help him eat and watch that he didn't choke as he ate.  She stopped in the middle of her coloring, came and sat with her baby brother and made him smile while I hid in the bathroom for just two or three minutes of solitude.  It made me think back to when Zeke was first born and Kurtis and Sam would rush off to work and school.  Isabel would often get up with Daddy and feed Zeke a bottle while Daddy got ready for work.  Then Kurtis would put Zeke back in his crib and Izzy would watch TV, all while I got to sleep in an extra 30 or so minutes.  What a beloved little girl to let Mommy sleep a little bit extra while she, 6 years old and kindergartener, would feed her little brother!  I'm so grateful to Isabel for being such a sweet girl who "mothers" her brothers and helps me when I'm overwhelmed.
I truly have just wonderful little people in my home and my biggest hope and desire is that they grow up knowing how much I love them, how much I treasure being their mother, and no matter who they become, I will always consider them my best successes!

Beginning of the school year is always the hardest

I was looking back at my blog this time last year and I read where I was struggling with the kids at the beginning of the year.  Sam and Isabel each had their struggles to the beginning of 2nd grade and kindergarten.  As I sit here now and think about the beginning of 3rd and 1st grades, I see new struggles for my kids.  New difficulties, new challenges, new obstacles that I need to help them face and new challenges for me as I sometimes have to let them struggle on their own.
Isabel has started this year off with pretty good moments.  She seems to have gotten a handle on this potty thing and is doing well with taking breaks and braving the scary toilets.  However, she is now starting to exert her more dominate self by refusing to participate in class, dragging out working in her journal and surprisingly, she is not enthusiastic about reading.  I guess it's strange to me b/c I love to read and Sam seems to have developed a love for reading too.  But for Isabel, reading is not easy and therefore she gets tired of it.  I have to try to invent fun and new ways to help her through it.
Samuel struggles are far more prominent as of late.  A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from Sam's teacher telling us that Samuel was having meltdowns, throwing tantrums and becoming disruptive.  She asked that we taken him to the pediatrician to see if there is anything that can help him.  I immediately feared that he would need medication.  Now, I have no problem with diagnosing and medicating a child if they are struggling with a behavioral disorder, however I'm not sure that Sam is in need of such measures.  I was very relieved when we met with the pediatrician and she didn't even suggest medication.  She said that what Sam is going through is somewhat normal and he just needs some help until he can mature a bit.  So Sam has begun seeing a counselor. He's only had one visit so far but he is excited to get some help and to have someone to talk to, someone who listens to him and can help him deal with things.  In addition to this, Sam finally opened up to his dad and told him about some bullying that was happening at school. 
                          I'm a little tough when it comes to bully issues b/c I think sometimes getting teased or taunted helps toughen our kids 
                          up for the real world.  I know I could open a whole can of worms with people who would not appreciate my opinion. 
                          I was bullied a bit as a kid and it hurt and it sucked and I hated aspects of my childhood b/c of it.  But it toughened me
                          up, it prepared me for life, for adulthood where life isn't fair, the good guys don't always win, and sometimes things
                          just downright stink!  Now I digress, back to Sam.....
So we called the school and spoke to the teachers.  Since then, this child has been moved away from Sam and Sam said that they hardly speak to each other.  Suddenly, Sam was doing much better!  Hooray for that...plus his grades are s.l.o.w.l.y. improving....emphasis on slow but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  With that being said, I get frustrated with his teachers for sending me emails like today emphasizing that for the first time in two weeks (since we started getting him help) he had a meltdown.  Now, I realize that this is a blessing.  The teacher wants to keep me informed.  She wants me to be aware of how often his tantrums occur.  I get all that.  I realize that she is doing her job and trying to help. But the mom in me is frustrated!  Please teacher, look at my son!  Look at how he has improved!  Look at how hard he is trying!  Look at how he is a young boy who is trying desperately to keep up with all these demands that are now put upon him!  Now, in her defense, she may actually be looking at these things and I just don't know it.  I'll be honest, I have no reason to doubt these teachers aren't doing the best they can with Sam.  But boy, does it wear on me that I cannot go to his school, scoop him up into my lap and help on his spelling test.  I cannot take him in my arms when he's frustrated and crying and do the work for him.  I cannot step into the classroom and act as a mediator between my child and his teachers.  He has to work through the tough stuff!!  This is the hard parenting part!  This is the moment when you look at your child and say I love you and I'm giving you a chance to work through the tough stuff so you can be an incredible man one day!  It is so much harder to force your child to work through trials than going through trials on your own.  Oh how I pray on a daily basis to be compassionate towards the teachers, Sam, and myself.  This is not fun, it is not easy, and it is a constant worry on me.
I wonder if others go through this and don't ever express it.  Maybe people see my smile and assume that everything and everyday is happy, go-lucky.  Do others go through the same thing?  Do others smile when really they need a hug or gentle word?  I need to be more aware.  As for me, I could use a hug every single day.

Mini-Me

When Isabel had her kindergarten picture taken last year, I noticed that it looked alot like my kindergarten picture.  So I did a side-by-side comparison.  Then when we got a picture of Kalen earlier this week, I noticed a similarity to a picture of Kurtis when he was little.  So I'm posting them so we can enjoy the comparisons in the years to come.

a few notes for the posterity

Yesterday Zeke took two steps for the first time.  He was walking to me from the couch.  He is very good at holding on to something and walking but this was the "first step" without assistance.

While cleaning up toys today, I asked Kalen: "where is Boulder?  I want to put him away with the other Transformers?"
Kalen : "I don't know; he's out looking for Megatron!"
I suppose I just leave him to his mission then.