This past week has been kinda tough particularly my role as a mom! Isabel has a week and a half of kindergarten down but it's been a rough go. The first three days she cried when it was time to get on the bus and we discovered that she is terrified of the automatic toilets at school. I spoke to her teacher and over the weekend we thought we found a solution--putting post-it notes over the sensor on the toilet so it wouldn't flush until she was ready. But as last week started, she still refused to go in the stall. The teacher or bathroom buddy had to take the post-it note into the stall before she would even approach it. Then she had an accident at school when she refused to wipe herself. After all that, the teacher sent an email one day saying that she refused to check a book out of the library and would only stand under a tree at recess by herself. When kids would ask her to play, she would say no. I spent most of that evening feeling like a failure as a mother. I was sure that I had damaged my child in some way and she would probably never recover.
With all of Izzy's drama, I found myself trying to encourage her and praise her every possible moment.....which of course, upset Sam b/c he wasn't receiving as much praise. So naturally, he started to grump and pout that he never does anything right and will never get praise for things. To say the least, it did not help my already dwindling optimism.
Add to that, Kalen getting "too aggressive" in nursery at church and being unable to sit during lessons! I was certain I should probably throw in the towel when it comes to raising good children! But the truth is that by the end of the week, Isabel was improving at school, Sam was getting praised for helping out and Kalen is 2 which does not make him a menace to society.
Last weekend I sat a ladies' activity at church and talked with some women that I consider pretty good friends. I had a little mommy meltdown and cried my eyes out. When asked why I was so hard on myself, I replied "because I just want to be good enough!" To which she replied "but you already are but you refuse to see it!" Later in the week, I received an email from a friend who discovered that her child had some speech delays and was being tested for a few things. She, like me, was blaming herself as a failed mom and felt helpless when it came to "fixing" her child. In a rare moment of insight, I told her "there is nothing 'wrong' with him and therefore you have no reason to 'blame' yourself". When I stepped back and thought about that, I came to the realization that it's the truth! For all of us! Our kids misbehave, they make mistakes, they have a hard time adjusting, maybe they have a disability or a delay of some sort. They fear the potty, they poop their pants, and sometimes they hit!!! But it doesn't make you (or me) a bad momma! It doesn't mean that my child will turn into a serial killer. It just means that he/she is experiencing a challenge and so is Mom (and sometimes Dad). We will all live through it and at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, Izzy will use the potty without a post-it note! Kalen will one day sit still through a 15 minute lesson and Sam will know that Mom loves him even if he doesn't get a 100% on his spelling test! I will stop being a blubbery mess every time my kids make a mistake and I will be able to recognize that I am a good person and sometimes, most of the time, I am good enough! Is today a day I can recognize all this and have hope? Yes! Will tomorrow be another day like today? Maybe, hopefully! But if not, that's okay too.
I'm thankful for friends who love me and are patient with me....who recognize when I'm an idiot and when I'm a genius....friends who come to me with troubles so I can step outside myself and hopefully help them (and in the process help myself).
My birthday is in a few days and I'm not looking forward to it. Being an adult kinda kills the birthday buzz BUT I will relish another year with my husband and kids. I will look forward to growing older and maybe wiser. And hopefully by my next birthday, I will have figured out all the answers:)
Older is guaranteed, wiser - not so much. But you'll get there. The kid's job is to make parents freak out, and that works! Been in your shoes and survived and so will you. But I was trying to figure out why you were a blueberry mess. ;) Reading too fast.
ReplyDeleteBreakthrough!!!!! You are starting to see in you all that we already do see. You are a fantastic mom. There is always going to be a challenge to face but if you can just keep this perspective you will always come our a winner....and your awesome kids too!
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