This is one of my more thoughtful posts and not really a complimentary one for myself. Do you ever have self-revelations and realize that they aren't always positive? Well, that is where I'm at lately.
On Sunday, during a RS lesson, we were talking about prophets of the Lord. The conversation touched on the humility of the prophets....how they all felt that they weren't qualified or adequate. Now, here is where my crux happens. I've always considered myself a pretty humble person. No one is harder on me than me. I'm very aware of my short-comings and really good at self-deprication so I assumed this naturally made me humble. After all, just like the prophets, I feel under-qualified or inadequate ALL THE TIME! If that doesn't make me humble, what does? And let me just say that "yes, I think in some ways, it is humility" however, I was doing it all wrong.
Lately, I've been feeling terribly jealous/envious/whatever you want to call it about certain things that happen in people's lives. For instance, we are still renting our first home b/c we have never been able to sell it...4 yrs later. We have to be landlords b/c we can't find a buyer for this home. It's not a terrible situation but it's not really one that I hoped to experience. Recently, two families from church have sold their homes...quickly. And it made me jealous; it upset me and I felt hurt that we have to go through the renting experience when others don't. Another example is when we planned a big family vacation for this summer. We had to cancel it b/c Kurtis' job situation is tenuous and we don't have the opportunity anymore. I wanted to take the kids somewhere fun for a few days during Spring Break but we couldn't afford to do it. We also did not get to go anywhere for our 10 yr wedding anniversary. Now bring in a family member whose family is not only going out west (like we planned to) but they also went away for their wedding anniversary and took their kids to the exact place we wanted to take our kids but couldn't afford to. I felt jealous, angry, and upset with this family, which is just ridiculous b/c it's not their fault. They haven't done anything wrong.
So put all of this together and here I am, sitting in a lesson at church on Sunday thinking "I'm not humble. I am prideful." Who am I to assume that I'm entitled to have the same blessings as others. I am blessed and challenged as the Lord sees fit for me and mine, this includes Kurtis. I was so busy being jealous b/c I felt that we "deserved" to sell our home, we "deserved" a nice family vacation or a weekend away. And maybe we do "deserve" some things BUT we, particularly me, are blessed as we need be. We're supposed to learn something through this rental thing and just b/c someone else sold their home and we didn't doesn't mean that the Lord loves them more. I don't get to be prideful and believe I'm entitled certain blessings. This is a journey and these situations are set to teach me something and maybe that something is humility.
So let me just say that self-deprication is NOT humility. Hardships are NOT always punishments. And blessings for others are NOT always meant to be blessings for us. And we need to be okay with that....if we want to be humble.
I think this is a great post. I really liked Elder Uchtdorf's Sunday morning conference talk about counting your blessings. I think what you said here is true. We are deserving of nothing and counting of blessings takes humility. So knowing the blessings that you have and that you are thankful for Lord for them you are doing well. The Lord changes us, helps us to see. I love these types of events in life and the realization that comes know that we are being taught. Not always easy but the rush of love and understanding as the spirit witness's this to us is incredible.
ReplyDeletehey Greta, this post proves what I said earlier about you on your Raggedy Anne costume. If something is important to you, you will succeed. This life is meant for us to grow and learn and recognize blessings and you are. Your love for your family and your desire to be with them for eternity is so strong that you're willing to let go of the jealousy and hurt feelings and learn. That is truly a growth experience by itself and then to share it with everyone is also another growth experience. A lot of people would just keep it to themselves rather than admitting to such feelings.
ReplyDeleteI'm very, very proud of you. Once you finally joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you started growing and haven't stopped. I just hope I can catch up someday.
I love you.
Penny
Ok, I typed up this long comment before and it got deleted. I think you have grown a lot in the last few years. You were always pretty amazing anyway but I can see the growth in you too. I think that jealousy is a natural feeling and the important thing is what we do with those feelings. Just yesterday I was feeling jealous about something and I am always confused by those feelings because they never make sense to me why I would be feeling jealous. Anyway, I have found for me that when I begin to feel those feelings I have to do what Jeremy mentioned and list the blessings I do have. And I think you are right in your assessment that just because the Lord gives someone else a blessing doesn't mean he loves them more.
ReplyDeleteI remember right before Laila died a friend gave a talk and told a story about a time her kids escaped the house and wandered around the neighborhood. She felt a prompting to call 911 immediately and in a short period of time her kids were found near a pool (and they didn't know how to swim). She testified of promptings and how thankful she was that the Lord had saved her children from drowning. Not long after Laila died. I remember not feeling jealous necessarily but wondering why I didn't have a similar experience and prompting. Didn't the Lord know that I would act on a prompting to save my daughter? Why didn't he give me a prompting that my daughter was dying? But I knew that the experiences we needed were different. And more than that, I knew that Laila's mission on earth was done. She had done all she needed to do. But my friend's children were not done learning and growing and experiencing mortality and their path was different than hers. You know, sometimes there doesn't appear to be a good reason for why some one gets a specific blessing that you don't get. But then also, not all the trials and disappointments people go through are published or known. Sometimes when it seems like someone has such an easy blessed life, they really have private challenges that no one knows about. And I think if we try to have that kind of perspective, both recognizing the blessings we DO have and also recognizing that we all have personal trials, we are better able to let go of the jealousy. Otherwise, I think it just makes us bitter and unhappy. Love you Greta and your post--great reminder for me today (after feeling jealous yesterday)
I understand all of your feelings. I struggle with similar things. You are a strong person for all that you go through. I you Greta, your a wonderful daughter of God!
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