counting my blessings

In the last week, I've found out 5 people I know are pregnant.  And I've these insane moments where I'm sad that I'm not pregnant.
I was out "pooper scooping" the front yard tonight and thought "this is total suckage that I have to be the one to scoop the poop".
Last night I had someone had church who hardly knows me tell me that I'm neurotic and I need to calm down about things.  He only sees me on Sundays and knows little about the struggles that I go through with anxiety and panic attacks.  But it hurt my feelings.
I've been really frustrated with "mommy monotony" and feeling little appreciation for everything I do for my family.
So, why am I starting out my post so negative?  B/c I'm about to count my blessings!
This week I've also heard about a friend who son passed away, a friend who was hospitalized, a dear friend who is awaiting surgery and is in extreme pain.  And I realized:
1. I am healthy...for the most part.  Yes, I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, IBS.  But I'm healthy.  I manage my illnesses.  I learn to cope and I haven't been hospitalized except for "baby births" in my adult life.
2. My babies are healthy.  Healthy enough to drive me crazy with their demands, their needs, and all the requirements to bring out the "mommy monotony".
3. I am insane for wanting a puppy with 4 young children.  But this is a great experience for my family.  None of us have pet allergies.  My kids get to experience something (good and bad) that other kids beg for, pray for, and never get to have.
4. I am not having any more babies.  But I made it through FOUR c-sections.  I made it through 4 pregnancies.  And I have 4 kids counting on me every day.  That in itself is a miracle.
5. God loves me.  He knows all the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, whiney, and thankful parts of me.  He sees me as someone who has great value.  Sadly, that is something that I do not always consider.  I get lost in the motions, in the things people say, in the ways I feel about myself when I look in the mirror.  My Father in Heaven loves me when I can't love myself and when others can't see it either.  That's all that matters!
6. and lastly, I have an amazing husband who DRIVES. ME. NUTS!  Kurtis often irritates me (and vice versa) and when it is all crazy, we both have to take a breath and say "I love you".  But the truth is (as I was pondering this evening) he's mine and I'm his and really, I don't know how I could survive if it wasn't the way of life!

stAGE of life

Often when I talk about my age, I get scoffs (usually from people who are older than me) and the truth is age is JUST a number however, stAGE of life is real.  I cannot eat what I want like I did when I was 22.  I can no longer spend the day on 4 hrs of sleep nor have a breakfast of a Snickers bar and a 20oz Pepsi!  When I was in college, the idea of changing diapers and catching vomit in my hands was just a nightmare....today it's a reality!  Do you know how many times a day I handle poop....with my hands....
It's real people!  My stage of life is different now than it was when I was 22, even though 22 and 35 are just numbers!  They are numbers that determine what I eat, when I sleep, how good I will feel in the morning and so on.  So why is this on my mind?  Is it because I had a birthday recently?  Is it because we just got a puppy and I find myself now a mother of 5 (one being a furry baby)?  Is it because I'm tired of feeling sluggish and sad and thought that I might need to eat healthier?  Is it because I walked saddle-sore for a weekend after teaching a toddler music class?  Yes, yes, yes, and yes!  All of these things have me thinking that age is more than a number.
I'm supposed to be more mature now, more selfless, more responsible, and more grounded at 35 years old than I was at 25 years old.  And the truth is....to some extent.....I probably am!  But I'm not always happy about it!  Why can't I have a snickers for breakfast, a hamburger for lunch, and a milkshake for dinner and call it good?  Oh that's right, because my number is 35 now instead of 25 and 35 year olds have to eat healthier!  That sucks!
So yes, this is on my mind a lot.  Last week I taught a group of teenagers during Sunday School.  In the lesson I challenged them to follow a commandment that they had a particularly hard time following.  For me, I admitted that I have a hard time following counsel to eat healthy for "our bodies are temples" (you get the idea).  I told the kids I would go a whole week without eating a burger or greasy food and I did it!  Sure thing!  I won't say that I felt better but I did it.  On Monday, I went out and got me a cheeseburger!  Oh yeah, then I spent most of Monday afternoon sick as a dog!  Really?  Are you kidding me?  This is whole eat healthier, take better care of yourself stuff is real?  I find myself looking into multivitamins!  Are you kidding me?!?  Ugh!  It's true; we have to take better care of ourselves as we get older and I'm not happy about it.  So yes, 35 years old is not old BUT it's older than I once was!  And while I'm super blessed and have some GREAT things/people that I didn't have at 25, I really would be just a teensy bit happier if cheeseburgers were healthy for you!

there's a special place in heaven for Uncle Joes

Growing up, our extended family argued on and off so I never grew up feeling particularly close to any uncles or aunts.  I never really thought I missed it until I became an aunt and wanted to be so close to my nephews.  Then once I became a mother, it was SO important to me for my kids to be close to my siblings.  Kurtis has 5 siblings and there are 24 nieces and nephews.  Unfortunately, many live in other states and there are so many but I try really hard to be a good aunt to them.  I want them to feel love from me and from Uncle Kurtis.  But it is also EXTREMELY important for my kids to feel love for and loved by my siblings.  So on nights like tonight when my only brother and his wife come to visit, it hits home. 
Tonight I watched Uncle Joe wrestle with my boys, snuggle with Zeke and Izzy, and I even heard him whisper "I love you" a few times.  I also witnessed my bro, who had 3 sisters, braid Izzy's hair.  She's the only girl with 3 brothers and 2 boy cousins and Uncle Joe took the time to brush her hair, braid it, and give her special attention.  It touches my heart so deeply. It means the world to me and I know that my kids will treasure evenings like this evening.  Yes, brothers can be a lot!  But it's mostly a lot of good!

I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt

I've spent quite a bit of time jokingly telling those who know me that my idea of the perfect retirement is to learn how to make Raggedy Ann dolls and pass them out to the little girls of the world.  I never really thought I would actually do it.  I have several patterns for making a Raggedy Ann doll but have you seen the hair?  So hard to do.  I could never do something like that.
Then one day I did it.  I made a Raggedy Ann doll for myself.  I wanted to take her to the Raggedy Ann Rally and was so proud of myself for making a doll.  I love her!  One of a kind!
After a series of unfortunate events (yeah, I stole that title), I found myself wondering if I could do it again. Could I make another doll?  Could I actually make a doll to sell?  Well, there is a parable that Christ told. Synopsis was that you should develop your talents, put them to use, learn and keep learning and you will be blessed.  I always thought I had two talents: talking and singing.  I didn't really imagine that I could do anything else.  But as I've done this thing, started making these dolls, started using my sewing machine on a daily basis, I've been blessed.  I've seen my creativity grow and I've found JOY in creating these dolls.  I've always enjoyed creating: song, blankets, food, drawing, writing.  I love the "productive feeling" when you create something tangible and have it in front of you.  Well, now I've discovered a new way to create and let my artistic side thrive.  So I've made 5 dolls so far and have several more in line. I've made a camel that goes with the Raggedy Ann story: Camel with the Wrinkled Knees.  And I'm working on another character as well as an Andy.  We'll see what happens and as of right now, I'm not really making dolls for all the LITTLE girls in the world but I know several collectors who have enjoyed their new doll a great deal.

another school year begins

The kids started school today and I've had a lot of thoughts about it.  I always love them starting school, having time to themselves away from siblings, something to keep them busy and occupied, a chance for them to grow.  But it is also hard to let go.  To watch them get on the bus and go off to be another year older, another year bigger, another year wiser, another year closer to growing up.  It's hard.  I posted this story on facebook last night and wanted to keep it on the blog for posterity.  It's a testament to being so proud of my children and yet, my heart feeling the weight of their worries.
Clothes are set out for tomorrow. Bookbags are ready. Lunches are packed. Everyone got a Father's blessing before bed. Izzy comes out and says "Mommy, please come talk to me in my bedroom" As I follow her in, she begins to cry that she is scared and nervous and she "forgot to sharpen a pencil for her desk at open house last week". I hug her, kiss her and tell her "Mommy left a sharpened pencil in your pencil case. It's all ready for you." I'm so excited for them to start school tomorrow but I'll be honest, I cried when I came out of her room. Letting go is the hardest part.
Also, here are the pictures....First Day pictures!  Fun, fun!

 

Reflection of a mom the week before school starts

 I am HAPPY and EXCITED for my kids to start school.  Sometimes I think that makes me a bad mom b/c I like for them to be gone during the day BUT let me clarify: I love my children.  I love being around them.  And I don't like that they are growing older and more independent.  But I also love that they get away from their siblings and gain independence and discover themselves as they are. I love that they have school friends and learn new things.  I love that they have time away from me b/c while I am their biggest cheerleader, I'm sure I'm their toughest critic b/c I see so much of what they can become.  I love that they have a chance to experience the world but still are in a safe environment.  Yes, schools are not what they used to be.  Yes, schools have had frightening experiences of late. But school is where our children grow, learn to stand on their own and not rely on parents so much.  School is where are kids discover that they can, they will, and they have potential to be.  So while I love my babies, I am excited for them to start school next week.  They are such amazing little people and I can't wait for more people to see them as I do. 

summer work is hard to do

Sammy was working in a summer workbook that we have each year. He is required to do one page of work each day for the whole summer.  Two days ago his workbook had the following story and questions.
"Sandra's mom offered to help her get ready for the new school year.  Sandra grew a full inch over the summer. Her shoes were too tight, and her pants were almost above her ankles."
"What do you think Sandra and her mother will do?"  Sam's answer: Put her on a diet.
"Which clues helped you decide?"   Sam: That's how you get unfat.
A part of me was sad that he wrote this b/c I've been pretty hard with him this summer about his weight but another part of me laughed b/c it is kinda cute.

Also, this week was the Cub Scout Raingutter Regatta. It is a double elimination race.  Last year, Sam lost his first race and then sat in the back and cried the rest of the evening.  This year, he lost his first race but came back to win and place 2nd in the Bear Den.  I'm so excited to see how he's grown.
I love this first picture b/c if you look in the background you will see Kalen helping Sam blow his boat...super cute b/c they do not always get along as brothers.

Last week, Kalen and Daddy finally got to have a one-on-one date.  They went to see Planes 2: Fire and Rescue. Kal really enjoyed his time with Daddy just the two of them and I think they both needed it.  Kal is our firecracker and he and Kurtis butt heads often.  They both enjoyed their time together.  It was sweet.
Kalen also started something fun two weeks ago when he started soccer.  At first I was worried that this would be a waste of money (Sam did not enjoy soccer and we didn't even try Izzy) but Kalen seems to love it and Zeke is starting to pretend and kick a ball around too!  We might end up with 2 soccer players.  Kal loves getting his gear on and going to practice and it's great for him to get out his energy!

 Lastly, Isabel got a manicure and pedicure for the first time last week.  There is a new place opened up for girls 3-14 years old to go get pampered, a spa.  They also offer a mommy/daughter package and I'm hoping that maybe for Christmas we'll get a treat.  She loved it and had so much fun being spoiled.

Lastly Zeke is just cute.  He likes to kick balls around the house and he is talking more.  He has started to hit back when he gets mad and he really knows how to throw a fit....typical toddler but I just love him!